outdoors.

birds chirping. sweet wind blowing. fresh air. footballs. frisbees. basketball. long walks. hammock naps. puzzling. piano playing. thunder storms. friendly faces.



this has been my easter weekend. something about getting out of chicago for a weekend can be so refreshing. maybe it’s the quietness, or maybe it’s the slow moving life; whatever it is, it creates an atmosphere which makes it easier to spend time to GOD. this is perfect for a weekend which should be devoted to reflecting on the death, burial, and resurrection of JESUS.



out here, in the middle of nowhere michigan, it’s a simple life. we are hanging out in a house that was made completely by paul crouse’s dad which is incredible. we have eaten fresh, delicious food which blows sdr food out of the water. i’ve laughed so many times, sometimes it was hard to 
breathe.



all this is great. i love the outdoors. but the country has reminded me how much the city needs the gospel. as much as i love it out here, the city is where the lost are so that’s where i need to be right now  (not that there are no unsaved out here, but it’s more widespread in the city). there is poverty, injustice, and pain in the city that can only be cured by the love of JESUS. i’m thankful to live there and serve there while i can.

suffering grace.

tuesday.

JESUS is just days away from going through the most stressful and painful death in existence. the physical pain HE goes through is enough for me to shudder. all those visual images that pop up in my head cause me to freeze in awe. however, that wasn’t even half of what JESUS went through.

imagine you are excited for an upcoming trip or friend. don’t the days seem a little bit longer? now imagine you have a giant exam due in two days. suddenly, the time you have is shortened. what if, instead of a test, your life would be over in two days. not only that, but you knew how you would die and the amount of pain you would go through. now, anxiety is settling in. well, JESUS knew this all HIS life. HE even prayed that it would not happen.  yet, HIS eyes were still fixed on the FATHER, so HE obeyed, but soon GOD would not be returning that comfort to HIS SON.

GOD the FATHER turned HIS face away from JESUS when HE was on the cross. believe it or not, but right there, JESUS tasted hell. literal hell. hell is knowing GOD will not love you. hell is experiencing that rejection from the ONE BEING who is the only ONE who stands firm when all else fails. hell is separation from GOD. JESUS experienced this on the cross. it’s painful to watch JESUS being crucified, but it would be unbearable to be able to visualize what JESUS went through spiritually.

yet, what sinks in the most is not the pain, the suffering, or the anxiety that JESUS experienced, but the fact that HE did it for me. HE suffered the most agonizing death in history because HE loves me. “but GOD showed HIS love for us, in that while we were still sinners, CHRIST died for us.”

it’s easy to forget how much HE really does love us. and if we honestly remembered, our lives would be changed. “who cares about my selfish desires, i’ve been given abounding grace, so i’m gonna live in light of the grace given to me.” that should be our response. that should be my response.

GOD ENJOYED

THOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE BUT PRAYER-HEARING GOD,
known, but beyond knowledge,
revealed, but unrevealed,
    my wants and welfare draw me to THEE,
    for THOU has never said, ‘seek ye ME in vain’.
to THEE i come in my difficulties, necessities, distresses;
possess me with THYSELF,
                     with a spirit of grace and supplication,
                     with a prayerful attitude of mind,
                     with access into warmth of fellowship,
    so that in the ordinary concerns of life
          my thoughts and desires may rise to THEE
    and in habitual devotion i may find a resource that will
          soothe my sorrows, sanctify my successes,
          and qualify me in all ways for dealings with my fellow men.
i bless THEE that THOU hast made me capable
    of knowing THEE, the author of all being,
    of resembling THEE, the perfection of all excellency,
    of enjoying THEE, the source of all happiness.
o GOD, attend me in every part of my arduous and trying pilgrimmage;
    i need the same counsel, defense, comfort i found at my beginning.
let my religion be more obvious to my conscience,
                            more perceptible to those around.
while JESUS is representing me in heaven, may i reflect HIM on earth,
while HE pleads my cause, may i show forth HIS praise.

Continue the gentleness of THY goodness towards me,
    THY blessing attend me.
THOU hast led me on and i have found THY promises true,
i have been sorrowful, but THOU hast been my help,
                   fearful, but THOU hast delivered me,
                   despairing, but THOU hast lifted me up.
THY vows are ever upon me

-valley of vision
    and i praise THEE, o GOD.

Day 6.

Day 6.

I couldn’t sleep last night. My conscious is being racked by all the innocent blood spilled this week. I’ve seen everything: betrayal, murder, suicide...

There were over 250 of us in the village. Suddenly, greed snuck in. With only a $30 gift card on the table, people just started killing each other. IT’S MADNESS! Now there is only 15 of us, and it still continues. I’ve decided that the only way to survive this madness is to kill my way out. I don’t like it, but it has to be done.

One group in particular has aligned just to have one of them take the $30. I was fine with that for a while. But on Day 5, they killed one of my own flesh and blood. Even worse, it was my own flesh and blood who did it.

CORRUPTION. It must be ended. Sadly, there are some good guys in that alliance, but they must be taken out due to their association. I hope this madness does not last too much longer because $30 isn’t worth much when you can’t use it because everyone else is dead.

OH, there’s a knock on the door... I’ve gotta go...

S.

distractions

I don’t know if you are like me, but if you are, then you know that you get distracted easily. Many times these distractions happen during conversations and your mind goes off on a rabbit trail.

A good friend comes up to you and says, “My sister is in town this weekend, and I was wondering if you know of somewhere cool to eat? Maybe, Portillo’s, Bacci’s...”

Portillo’s. That place has some good cake shakes. Speaking of cake, wasn’t it Bill’s birthday yesterday? Aw man! I totally forgot he’s gonna be so mad at me.”

“Sam. Sam. Hello?”

“Oh, sorry, yeah, did you get Bill a birthday present yesterday?”

Fail. This happens to me all the time. I genuinely care about what people have to say to me, yet I still rabbit trail out of consciousness. Then, I totally change the subject because that’s all I can think about. This is not only a problem with my conversations with people, but also my prayers to GOD.

GOD, you are a great GOD. YOU’ve been so good to me, more than I deserve. The chapel message really made me want to serve YOU more wholeheartedly.  The music in chapel today was so good. What was the name of that second song we sang? I don’t remember exactly, but it is definitely one of my new favorite songs. I’d be fine singing that song every chapel, actually. Hopefully, they don’t do it tomorrow though because I’m thinking about skipping chapel. How many cuts do I even have left? Probably plenty. I don’t remember cutting too many times...

This literally happens to me when I’m praying. I start off good, then I get selfish. This is why I find writing so important in my life. Writing takes time and effort. Words don’t just fly off my finger tips and onto paper. I have to process through them, edit them, finalize them. I want my writing to be perfect. But how come my conversations are not that way? Why can’t I stay focused in conversations?

I think most of it is due to being selfish in conversations. I want people to hear my thoughts, my opinions on the subject, but instead I hold them in my head and find little rabbit trails to occupy my thoughts. So instead of listening, I’m planning what I have to say next. How cool can I make this next statement? Quick, Sam, think of something witty to say. This is the biggest problem I have.

So how do I learn to listen? How can I be less selfish in my conversations? Prayer. Maybe not even my own prayers, but prayers focused on GOD and who HE is. GOD listens to my prayers no matter how scatter-brained they are. But I need to give GOD my first-fruits, not my leftovers. Because if we have a proper view of GOD, selfishness cannot exist. If I see GOD for who HE is: loving, kind, gracious, just, righteous, holy, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, merciful, wrathful, beautiful, then I will honestly be humbled and be able love others just as GOD loves me.

Another example of being distracted has been during this week of “Assassins.” I haven’t taken time out of my day to spend time with GOD because I’m worried about killing my next target and not dying. Distractions are most detrimental to myself when they start replacing GOD.

So I guess you can pray for me, that I can stay focused on GOD because that’s what it all comes down to. It’s like this great hymn says,

Turn your eyes upon JESUS

Look full in HIS wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of HIS glory and grace.

Again, God is the only ONE that keeps me from being selfish because through HIM, I finally see how unnecessary I am. This reality humbles me and causes me to view others the way GOD sees them... with love. This will change my conversation habits, my trailing thoughts, and my inept prayers. I can’t focus on my own, I need GOD’s help.

Show me what sins hide THEE from me

and eclipse THY love;

Help me to humble myself for past evils,

to be resolved to walk with more care,

For if I do not walk holily before THEE,

how can I be assured of my salvation?

-Valley of Vision (The Divine Will).