Finding Identity.

Everyone goes through an identity crisis. It was my first two years at Moody. I did not know who I was. I did not know what I was doing. All I knew was that I found my identity in my relationships with other people. If I was hanging out with the guys on the soccer team, I had a different identity then if I was spending time on my floor. The problem was that I also had another personality depending on which friends I was spending time with.

I was so determined to be known by anyone that I was willing to conform myself into something they approved of instead of being who GOD created me to be. GOD gifts each of us with personality, and when we try to please others, we tend to lose our individualism. 

I became a man who was always goofing around and did not take life seriously. This was how I portrayed myself to others, so this is what I thought I should be. This caused my conversations to become shallow and my vulnerability to shut up. I was afraid to be known because I was afraid to be disliked.

I was in a spiral of friend groups. I did not know who I actually enjoyed hanging out with or who I was just trying to please. Last semester I was wrestling with this issue so much. I could not figure out why I spent time with the people I did. I had to take a deep look at my motivations, and then I realized why I jumped around.

So many times when I meet new people, I have an excitement to get to know them. Slowly, I start realizing characteristics that I don't like, and so slowly I drift away from them. Because I have tended to do this, I have a fear of the same thing happening to me. So I make sure that everyone is happy with me, and I look to always avoid conflict. This was extremely unhealthy.

This summer, I had the opportunity to start over. I made good relationships, and I was able to do so without conforming to their identities. What I realized made the ultimate difference in my life was consistency in the Word. One passage that stands out to me now is Hebrews 4:12-13

For the word of GOD is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from HIS sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of HIM to whom we must give account.

GOD's Word exposed my heart issues. I knew I wasn't being a good friend, but I didn't want to admit to it. GOD has changed me. I am not anxious about my relationships here at school like I was the last couple of years. I am content with whom HE has placed in my life. While I will meet new people, I want to make sure I show them who I am, not who I think they want me to be.

So yeah, I goofy and a little ridiculous many times, and I tend to get really serious and open on this blog, but right now I'm looking for a balance between these two lifestyles. I want to be able to get to know those in my life by letting myself be known in the process. It'll take time. Thankfully, GOD is good. And it is in HIM alone that I have an identity.

PS... this post is a reflection of myself. I pray that GOD would use it to encourage you in a way that I could not express in words. Because HE does cool stuff like that a lot if we keep our eyes open for them.