the love of GOD is folly.

"eat the flesh upon MY bones

drink the blood inside MY veins
unto life this is the way
the love of GOD is folly

"angels CHRIST did beckon not
hear HIM pray upon the cross
'FATHER, pardon all who mock'
the love of GOD is folly

"not for righteous or the good
not for noble or the high
but for vile as i HE died
the love of GOD is folly

"in this tomb they laid HIS corpse
from the dead the LORD came forth
killing death with mighty force
the love of GOD is folly

"not for wisdom am i called
on the dumb HE casts HIS eyes
using fools to shape the walk
the love of GOD is folly

"folly, folly, folly, folly
all love i cannot comprehend
but the folly of our GOD
beats the genius of all men"

http://vimeo.com/10673581?ab

soaking in suffering.

soaking in heartbreak.

“you'll never hear me say
i wanted it this way
it hurts me every time i breathe
no matter what i've told
i'm left out feeling cold
but i know, i needed this all along.”
-nevertheless

we are taught to highly regard ourselves in our culture, to build our self-esteem, make ourselves happy; however, a theme that runs through the bible is that of a broken and contrite heart. broken hearts consist of pain, anguish, depression and loneliness; however, a broken heart also produces godly perseverance and a deep, true love for GOD and one another.

isaiah 66:2 says, “all these things MY hand has made, and so all these things came to be, declares the LORD. but this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at MY word.”

psalm 51:17 states, “the sacrifices of GOD are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, o GOD, YOU will not despise.”

when we are truly broken in heart, GOD is there. HE is not far away. HE promises that HE will look at us. HE will shine HIS face on us. i don’t think that we fully grasp what that means. it means that no matter how lonely, abandoned and left out we feel, GOD still loves us. HE wants to look at our dirty faces.

in christian circles, there is a very negative view of suffering and pain. we are taught in church to smile through suffering because we know that it will work out in the end. many people will recite romans 8:28 to someone who is suffering because they want to be encouraging.

“don’t worry, GOD will use this for your good.”

i know what GOD promises. too often, we use these verses to bury our pain and sorrow. to hide our emotions from GOD. GOD didn’t give us these verses to conceal our GOD-given emotions, but to give us hope through the pain. to know HE does work out all things for good is a great reminder, but it doesn’t cure pain.

a broken heart does not have to be characterized by depression, loneliness or pain. instead, it is a time of growth, of honesty, of refining, of good, godly pain. GOD uses brokenness solely to bring HIS children closer to HIMSELF.

so if brokenness is being used to bring us closer to GOD, we shouldn’t run from this pain, this heartbreak. we should run towards GOD even if that hurts us more.

“three times i pleaded with the LORD about this, that it should leave me. but HE said to me, “MY grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of CHRIST may rest upon me. for the sake of CHRIST, then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. for when i am weak, then i am strong.”                                       (2 corinthians 12:8-10)

paul suffered. he prayed for it to disappear multiple times, but GOD told him that it was for his sanctification (“so that the power of CHRIST may rest upon me”). GOD’s power is seen through our sufferings. and as we see HIS power, we will draw near to HIM. HIS face will shine brighter through these times because there will be no other faces to divert our eyes. we are forced to look at HIM. because HE is the only ONE looking back.

“turn your eyes upon JESUS
look full in HIS wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of HIS glory and grace.”

don’t view suffering as a terrible thing. yes, it is a painful process. and yeah, it sucks. but if knowing CHRIST and the power of HIS resurrection are truly what we are striving for, then suffering is not only a struggle, but it’s a must.

HOLY GOD,
YOU use all things for YOUR glory. while i may not understand why things happen the way they do, may i see my love for YOU increase through all my brokenness and pain. GOD, YOU are good, faithful and true, and i know YOU do all things well.
Amen.

outdoors.

birds chirping. sweet wind blowing. fresh air. footballs. frisbees. basketball. long walks. hammock naps. puzzling. piano playing. thunder storms. friendly faces.



this has been my easter weekend. something about getting out of chicago for a weekend can be so refreshing. maybe it’s the quietness, or maybe it’s the slow moving life; whatever it is, it creates an atmosphere which makes it easier to spend time to GOD. this is perfect for a weekend which should be devoted to reflecting on the death, burial, and resurrection of JESUS.



out here, in the middle of nowhere michigan, it’s a simple life. we are hanging out in a house that was made completely by paul crouse’s dad which is incredible. we have eaten fresh, delicious food which blows sdr food out of the water. i’ve laughed so many times, sometimes it was hard to 
breathe.



all this is great. i love the outdoors. but the country has reminded me how much the city needs the gospel. as much as i love it out here, the city is where the lost are so that’s where i need to be right now  (not that there are no unsaved out here, but it’s more widespread in the city). there is poverty, injustice, and pain in the city that can only be cured by the love of JESUS. i’m thankful to live there and serve there while i can.

suffering grace.

tuesday.

JESUS is just days away from going through the most stressful and painful death in existence. the physical pain HE goes through is enough for me to shudder. all those visual images that pop up in my head cause me to freeze in awe. however, that wasn’t even half of what JESUS went through.

imagine you are excited for an upcoming trip or friend. don’t the days seem a little bit longer? now imagine you have a giant exam due in two days. suddenly, the time you have is shortened. what if, instead of a test, your life would be over in two days. not only that, but you knew how you would die and the amount of pain you would go through. now, anxiety is settling in. well, JESUS knew this all HIS life. HE even prayed that it would not happen.  yet, HIS eyes were still fixed on the FATHER, so HE obeyed, but soon GOD would not be returning that comfort to HIS SON.

GOD the FATHER turned HIS face away from JESUS when HE was on the cross. believe it or not, but right there, JESUS tasted hell. literal hell. hell is knowing GOD will not love you. hell is experiencing that rejection from the ONE BEING who is the only ONE who stands firm when all else fails. hell is separation from GOD. JESUS experienced this on the cross. it’s painful to watch JESUS being crucified, but it would be unbearable to be able to visualize what JESUS went through spiritually.

yet, what sinks in the most is not the pain, the suffering, or the anxiety that JESUS experienced, but the fact that HE did it for me. HE suffered the most agonizing death in history because HE loves me. “but GOD showed HIS love for us, in that while we were still sinners, CHRIST died for us.”

it’s easy to forget how much HE really does love us. and if we honestly remembered, our lives would be changed. “who cares about my selfish desires, i’ve been given abounding grace, so i’m gonna live in light of the grace given to me.” that should be our response. that should be my response.

GOD ENJOYED

THOU INCOMPREHENSIBLE BUT PRAYER-HEARING GOD,
known, but beyond knowledge,
revealed, but unrevealed,
    my wants and welfare draw me to THEE,
    for THOU has never said, ‘seek ye ME in vain’.
to THEE i come in my difficulties, necessities, distresses;
possess me with THYSELF,
                     with a spirit of grace and supplication,
                     with a prayerful attitude of mind,
                     with access into warmth of fellowship,
    so that in the ordinary concerns of life
          my thoughts and desires may rise to THEE
    and in habitual devotion i may find a resource that will
          soothe my sorrows, sanctify my successes,
          and qualify me in all ways for dealings with my fellow men.
i bless THEE that THOU hast made me capable
    of knowing THEE, the author of all being,
    of resembling THEE, the perfection of all excellency,
    of enjoying THEE, the source of all happiness.
o GOD, attend me in every part of my arduous and trying pilgrimmage;
    i need the same counsel, defense, comfort i found at my beginning.
let my religion be more obvious to my conscience,
                            more perceptible to those around.
while JESUS is representing me in heaven, may i reflect HIM on earth,
while HE pleads my cause, may i show forth HIS praise.

Continue the gentleness of THY goodness towards me,
    THY blessing attend me.
THOU hast led me on and i have found THY promises true,
i have been sorrowful, but THOU hast been my help,
                   fearful, but THOU hast delivered me,
                   despairing, but THOU hast lifted me up.
THY vows are ever upon me

-valley of vision
    and i praise THEE, o GOD.

Day 6.

Day 6.

I couldn’t sleep last night. My conscious is being racked by all the innocent blood spilled this week. I’ve seen everything: betrayal, murder, suicide...

There were over 250 of us in the village. Suddenly, greed snuck in. With only a $30 gift card on the table, people just started killing each other. IT’S MADNESS! Now there is only 15 of us, and it still continues. I’ve decided that the only way to survive this madness is to kill my way out. I don’t like it, but it has to be done.

One group in particular has aligned just to have one of them take the $30. I was fine with that for a while. But on Day 5, they killed one of my own flesh and blood. Even worse, it was my own flesh and blood who did it.

CORRUPTION. It must be ended. Sadly, there are some good guys in that alliance, but they must be taken out due to their association. I hope this madness does not last too much longer because $30 isn’t worth much when you can’t use it because everyone else is dead.

OH, there’s a knock on the door... I’ve gotta go...

S.

distractions

I don’t know if you are like me, but if you are, then you know that you get distracted easily. Many times these distractions happen during conversations and your mind goes off on a rabbit trail.

A good friend comes up to you and says, “My sister is in town this weekend, and I was wondering if you know of somewhere cool to eat? Maybe, Portillo’s, Bacci’s...”

Portillo’s. That place has some good cake shakes. Speaking of cake, wasn’t it Bill’s birthday yesterday? Aw man! I totally forgot he’s gonna be so mad at me.”

“Sam. Sam. Hello?”

“Oh, sorry, yeah, did you get Bill a birthday present yesterday?”

Fail. This happens to me all the time. I genuinely care about what people have to say to me, yet I still rabbit trail out of consciousness. Then, I totally change the subject because that’s all I can think about. This is not only a problem with my conversations with people, but also my prayers to GOD.

GOD, you are a great GOD. YOU’ve been so good to me, more than I deserve. The chapel message really made me want to serve YOU more wholeheartedly.  The music in chapel today was so good. What was the name of that second song we sang? I don’t remember exactly, but it is definitely one of my new favorite songs. I’d be fine singing that song every chapel, actually. Hopefully, they don’t do it tomorrow though because I’m thinking about skipping chapel. How many cuts do I even have left? Probably plenty. I don’t remember cutting too many times...

This literally happens to me when I’m praying. I start off good, then I get selfish. This is why I find writing so important in my life. Writing takes time and effort. Words don’t just fly off my finger tips and onto paper. I have to process through them, edit them, finalize them. I want my writing to be perfect. But how come my conversations are not that way? Why can’t I stay focused in conversations?

I think most of it is due to being selfish in conversations. I want people to hear my thoughts, my opinions on the subject, but instead I hold them in my head and find little rabbit trails to occupy my thoughts. So instead of listening, I’m planning what I have to say next. How cool can I make this next statement? Quick, Sam, think of something witty to say. This is the biggest problem I have.

So how do I learn to listen? How can I be less selfish in my conversations? Prayer. Maybe not even my own prayers, but prayers focused on GOD and who HE is. GOD listens to my prayers no matter how scatter-brained they are. But I need to give GOD my first-fruits, not my leftovers. Because if we have a proper view of GOD, selfishness cannot exist. If I see GOD for who HE is: loving, kind, gracious, just, righteous, holy, omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, merciful, wrathful, beautiful, then I will honestly be humbled and be able love others just as GOD loves me.

Another example of being distracted has been during this week of “Assassins.” I haven’t taken time out of my day to spend time with GOD because I’m worried about killing my next target and not dying. Distractions are most detrimental to myself when they start replacing GOD.

So I guess you can pray for me, that I can stay focused on GOD because that’s what it all comes down to. It’s like this great hymn says,

Turn your eyes upon JESUS

Look full in HIS wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of HIS glory and grace.

Again, God is the only ONE that keeps me from being selfish because through HIM, I finally see how unnecessary I am. This reality humbles me and causes me to view others the way GOD sees them... with love. This will change my conversation habits, my trailing thoughts, and my inept prayers. I can’t focus on my own, I need GOD’s help.

Show me what sins hide THEE from me

and eclipse THY love;

Help me to humble myself for past evils,

to be resolved to walk with more care,

For if I do not walk holily before THEE,

how can I be assured of my salvation?

-Valley of Vision (The Divine Will).